Wednesday, 30th. September 2026

This morning I find myself thinking about a friend who no longer seems like a friend. Almost every time we meet an unpleasant and quite frightening creature emerges from the dark shallows, creating in me a sense of anxiety and dread. My response is to ignore it as best I can hoping it will descend into the swamp to be momentarily unseen. This is not good. I have resolved to tell this ‘friend’ that I find our encounters distressing and unpleasant, but I have no idea how to do this.

I am a sensitive person which in general I see as a positive trait. However, in circumstances such as these there is always a risk that I am over-reacting. My friend (and his partner) popped round for a coffee and a chat, but after they leave I feel anxious and down, due in part to my over-developed sensitivity but also to the unpleasant nature of the conversation.

I know from long experience that there will come a point where something is said that I will find upsetting and to which my natural inclination is to provide a response, perhaps to ask why they say this or to point out that their thoughts are based on false information. That of itself is no reason to ‘unfriend’ someone. But I stopped doing that many months ago after it became clear that it was not only pointless but created further friction and entrenchment.

My friend is sticking to his principles and no amount of evidence to the contrary will change his mind. So nowadays I sit in the middle of a one-sided conversation, politely nodding or moving my head now and again and desperately trying not to respond to lies, hate and negativity. I am aware that my lack of engagement could be seen as tacit agreement with his thoughts, which scares me. But I know from experience that the futility of providing facts, information or an alternative opinion would be worse – for me at least.

After so many such strained encounters I finally came to the conclusion that the charade of our friendship should end. The tricky bit, which I have been unable to resolve, is how to tell him that in a way that does not make matters worse.

Telling someone they are no longer considered friends seems harsh and is out of character for me, but if someone is a bigot and their bigotry upsets me what else can I do? Like other bigots I have known, whether racist or misogynist or some other flavour, they usually deny their bigotry and become angry if you challenge their beliefs or even present facts that do not support their prejudice.

I have had a day or so to think about it and as usual in situations like this I bottle out. I do nothing; not in the hope that it will go away because that’s not going to happen. It is more for my own mental health and blood pressure. My strategy throughout this year has been to avoid these ‘friends’ as much as possible – very much brushing the problem under the carpet. We manage to bump along more-or-less without incident apart from the impact on my well-being. But at some point I know I must come clean and explain that I cannot cope with the sheer weight of lies, rage, hatred and negativity. In so doing I also know that I will have to explain why I feel like this because of the inevitable surprise and denial that will follow. It is likely to be unpleasant but at the moment my thinking is telling me that some good may arise from a frank and honest exchange.

I shall be in the pub later today where I will no doubt engage in conversation with a number of people, all with different interests, ideas, thoughts and opinions. For example, I can have a good conversation with a chap who supports a different political party to me, but we get along fine. The difference between my friend and the person in the bar? The person in the bar has opinions based largely on facts, knowledge and experience; we agree on some things but not on others. He is – like me – open to new information and thoughtful. Conversation with fellow human beings should be pleasant and uplifting and often it is, but in recent years thoughtless, prejudicial and arrogant conversation is on the rise.

Once again I am at risk of bottling out. In a society that is more divided than I have ever know it to be, I seem to be adding to that division.